Not Running After him Helped me realize my Worth by Rahel Landolt

Not Running After him Helped me realize my Worth by Rahel Landolt

We spent 24 hours together and I fell in love. Yes, believe it or not (and I find it ridiculous, too. But it happened). And when I realized that he did not feel the same, I felt pain I hadn’t had for years! The pain was real and I cannot negate that fact, sadly…

First lesson: I need to cry when I’m sad

My ego was hurt. And I was so sad too. I’m finally extremely attracted to someone once more and I’ve opened my heart to them, and  they are not interested in me? History seemed to repeat itself! The thought that I might forever be alone wore me down. I seem to be in this constant negative circle where I reject those who want me close yet I crave being around those who do not care about me?

 Deep down. The future looked: dark.

I knew the pain would pass, as all pain does pass and I’ve managed to feel happy again surprisingly within the space of 24 hours! How could this episode actually demoralize me that much and send me into such a mind spin? I realized that I needed to look inside myself for love, security and happiness. But I find it hard to change this pattern. I began to despise  myself for being so attached to this person.

This has happened  before, a few years back. Unlike this recent experience, back then, I didn’t allow myself to be frustrated or sad. I couldn’t bring myself to open up to friends to talk about things…

This time, I wanted to handle everything differently: first, I cried. I cried because he didn’t want me; rejection is utterly devastating and confusing. And I cried because I didn’t want myself, essentially: I did not love myself. I cried because I hurt myself so much with my own thoughts. I cried because  I needed to go through all these tough times and learn a lesson. Crying releases negative emotions, I needed to get it all out with my tears. I made the decision, not to repress my feelings ever again! It is unhealthy to lock all that pain in my mind and body. Crying is healing, crying is the first step towards loving myself.

Second lesson:Asking for help when I’m at a loss

In theory, I knew I was projecting so much on to this man, believing that he would fill the emptiness inside me with love. I know that his actions and behaviour are constantly in flux and imperfect, everyone is beautifully imperfect and we can not expect another imperfect being to be perfect all the time and at the same time have the capacity to fix our imperfections too! We need to recognize that we are already whole and complete, imperfections and all! 

My Vedanta-teacher Sharada says:  Relationships hurt! “Expecting something else is like poking a fire furiously, “but you burnt me!” 

But still, I didn’t know how to forget my pain and how to really understand that I’m actually ok. However deep down that negative voice inside nagged and kept telling me I wasn’t worthy! That I’m not good enough for him! Which spiralled me into more sadness, believing: if I’m not good enough for him, what is wrong with me? Will I be enough for someone else?

I decided to ask for help: I told my dear friends. And surprisingly for me, there was no judgment. They understood. I felt connection. Love. And then  I confided in another, a woman with much wisdom that it overflows, she is someone whom I trust a lot. She helped me appreciate 24 hours of pure flow and joy to just be present and alive. She then told me, it’s normal to have shaky self-esteem, everyone at some point in their lives project all the happiness into one person. It’s normal. We’re human. 

Her advice was ” Now do what is good for you. Do something for yourself. Feel yourself.”

 I took her advice and relaxed, slowly…

Yoga has helped, too. My precious teacher comforted me, “Try and fail. Try and fail better. Trust the process.” These are wise words indeed.

Third lesson: letting go, facing shame and projection

Two months after the encounter, I visited the bar where he works. Surprise! He was working! It’s just my luck! He usually works on weekdays, but here he was working on the weekend! 

 I got shaky, I could feel anxiety creeping through me. My friends and I took a turn around the block to calm me down. I was ashamed of my feelings. Of having been so needy. If only he’d know how much energy I’ve devoted to him! 

 But also I recognized that I shouldn’t be embarrassed for who I am either. I knew everything is in complete order with me. There are reasons for why I’ve been triggered by him, for falling in love so quickly and becoming “needy”. This was my lesson to learn.

And so, I wanted to face this shame and entered the bar. We chatted and the tension passed. It was then that I  realized how much projection I had put on him. He is not a god, he can not fix me or serve me up love when I need it and I can not put him up on a pedestal believing he is a supreme being, because he is only human, with faults and stories too. 

We are all part of the great cosmic whole, we are all Devas and Devis, already whole and complete as we are but we are also not perfect either- life is messy, emotions are messy, relationships are messy!

So Whatever the reasons for not wanting my love, he was just not ready for going deeper with me, I cannot control his emotions and actions and I’m not responsible for them. One day someone will be ready to go deeper, they will meet me on that bridge, take my hand and say “Let’s go on an adventure together”.

I feel it coming: The focus is on myself instead of others

I suddenly felt a surge of worthiness. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was connected to everything, even the constellations, all of these life lessons are bigger than me, there is a master plan and within that I have lessons to discover and it’s all about self love. 

I still appreciated him, letting him go with love- for love is letting go and I didn’t put myself down or become upset that he couldn’t love me back the way I wanted to be loved.  I stopped needing to please him anymore, or anyone for that matter! I’ve been discovering my own values more and more lately and I’m so proud of that.

 I’ve experienced moments of sunshine and full, unconditional love. I’m on that path and it’s my ultimate goal to feel this softness more and more.

This is about me now. Thank you to the man for spending 24 beautiful hours with me, my heart was open,  I enjoyed my body and felt free, I felt a sense of oneness. Thank you for sharing these feelings with me that until now, I had never consciously felt before.

Thank you for provoking pain in me. It made me grow.

The vulnerability has left me wide open. Open for new perspectives.With gratitude to everybody and everything.

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