Rahel started a 9-month-apprenticeship with Be Woman Project in August. Here in her own blog she’ll share about the experiences she makes during this journey. A journey in which she hopes to heal her wounds around being a woman and getting to know herself as the source of love, happiness and security. The first step took her to the Sarasvati training in Sweden in mid-August – about which she’ll share here at a later date.
Why I decided to publish this first blog-post and process my pain with it
I wrote two blog-posts last week, set up my own website and thought I would go public with them. I didn’t. The writing came very easily, I truly enjoy writing. But then the critical voice in my head hit me. My mood towards the way I write was like the weather, flipping from feelings of joy like the sunshine to feelings of greyness, like the rain. I tried to tell myself kind and motivational words like: “you can be proud of this, that’s a nice writing-style, it’s honest, it truly shows your journey “. But then the critical voice whispered to me:
- this is completely embarrassing
- nobody will be interested in this
- your English is a disaster
- it’s not funny, stop over-sharing, it implies you desperately need attention
- you haven’t learned anything so far, your childish thoughts are a shame for your age
- and so on
In the end I felt completely useless.
I’ve dragged myself down to a point where I’d truly believe that I’m good at nothing. I felt powerless and in a constant mental battle with myself, telling myself that I was a complete failure and that I was wasting my time. But then I’d change my mind and try to be kind to myself, telling myself to stop judging, overthinking or believing I was a hinderance.
I told my Vedanta-teacher and mentor Sharada that though I like writing and actually have an urge to share – and believe this is my purpose, one of my many jewels to share, that it is still hard to not fear judgement from others and my own inner critic – It makes me feel uncomfortable and perhaps this means I’m not ready to do it?
She answered me with many wise words, like:
It’s ok if you’re not ready. The Vedanta teachings (more about that in a future post, I promise!) is all about eventually accepting yourself. Even your borders. Even your judging. The blog was a suggestion, a tool to explore yourself. It may help to process your pain. To share it and convert it into something beautiful. You can also draw, take pictures, do a video, sing or dance… You use your body, mind and senses. Your creativity.
Thereby do not forget what the teaching says: That the goal is to gain Self-Knowledge. We want to get known ourselves as the source of love, happiness and security. We do not want to attach ourselves to external circumstances as reasons for our pain or happiness anymore.
These words inspired me a great deal because there will be many who do not dare to follow their hearts, are afraid to express themselves and thus never really do anything with their lives other than work, sleep, eat, repeat.
Even if you are afraid to share your creativity, take small steps for yourself, seek inspiration from positive people, start a blog post or a diary. Spend time with people who are are also on the healing path, stay away from those who refuse to look inward to heal their own emotional wounds because they are the ones who judge and refuse to see beyond their own suffering. It’s about the process in order to come home to yourself. This needs time. So in the beginning, whatever form of creativity sparks your interest- give it it time, it might not be your best work of art but its yours, you’ve birthed that project. Be patient when learning something new. Treat yourself like a mother, who lovingly encourages her baby to get back up again and again after a little fall.
I also remembered something I learned on the Sarasvati training that resonates with my current thoughts:
The pain doesn’t go just because we ignore it. We should give it space, talk about it, a lot. Until it feels so normal as if we would talk about a piece of chocolate. Then it’s not fearful anymore, then it can not cause us pain anymore.
So here I publish just what comes from my heart. It’s scary. Until it’s not anymore.
I’ll try to fall in love with the process…